Burdensome

No sé dónde estoy en esta ciudad.

No quiero nada más que lo que quiero.

Y el resto me resulta pesado.

Tal vez todo es mi culpa

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When I Sleep Alone

True love sticks

When you pull it apart there’s always something left

And they often stick back together

Drawn to each other like I have never known

I want to run away from the me I have outgrown

The me that sat comfortably and always slept alone In a cold basement, in my dreams that were just my own

Now I’m dreaming for two and making room for new parts

Now when you sleep next to me, you rest against my heart

And I didn’t know the comfort of anyone’s arms. I didn’t know floating and drowning Or the touch and the textures, the clothing’s and tastings

The details of love, I didn’t know

And that’s what I think of when I sleep alone.

Clubs and Gardens 

I lay alongside all your other true loves They grew flowers from their chests. Mine is still hollow. 

I’ll always try to be the better one, but I’m only just the most recent. 

I can’t choose what’s on your mind. 

I can’t choose what’s on theirs. 

I don’t fit in this club or yours. 

But my club of solitude is so warn out with scratches on the doors and water stains on the floors.

I stayed there way too long once. 
But you lay alone, in a throne of peace. Where I cannot compare or curse you.

You hold all the power and soil and seeds. 

I cry for you. But do you cry for me? 

Almost Like A Carnival

Again I have lost myself

Through riptides and blood

I don’t care about anything but kisses

After slicing open the truths, they knocked me over and stripped me to the bone

And then I am able to re-find myself

My consciousness is clear for a brief moment when I am able to see the spinning images and colours, blurs of things that are there but I can’t make out

Then like a click, a subtle snap

I return to the ignorance or the delusional

And again I have lost myself

The Focus

I’m writing about getting stuck. Because I write my way to work my way out of everything. And I’ve been stuck in many ways, at many times in my life. I’ve been stuck on a dream, stuck inside myself, stuck inside my room, stuck inside a feeling, a thought. Now I’m wiggling my way through and nothing is scarier than being unstuck. That’s something they don’t tell you, how comfortable you can become inside of whatever you’re stuck in. They talk a lot about depression. They talk a lot about anxiety. But not a lot of people tell you how comfortable it can become. It seems so bizarre to not want to move out of something so terrible but the truth is that the fear of something worse can really keep you trapped inside anything. I’m grateful for the lessons learned in those places but I mourn the time I have lost. I’m also grateful that I was able to create good things in those places, I was also able to help people I loved. So I am fortunate that good things came out of the worst of me. Now I’m trying to create the best of me, I wouldn’t get to do that if I had never been there.

And I stumble still, I fall, but I feel stronger every time I get back up. The key is to not leave bread crumbs. When you walk down your new path, no matter how scared you feel moving on, try not to leave a trace. You can’t go back. That’s the focus, that’s the answer. I thought it was waking up brand new. I thought it was growing wings overnight or sprinting my way out of the woods. Because for some people that is how t happens.

But I found a salvation in the simple steps I took, and I felt triumphant each time I stood up after I tripped. Oh how easy it is to lose your way. How easy it is to lay on the ground and stare up at those same branches forever. But there’s a whole sky behind those trees. There’s a whole life too. All you need to do is move before time moves without you.

New Music // 2018

I really want to write about the new music I’m making because I’m feeling really excited about it. And as some people have noticed, I’ve been quite emotional and stressed lately which has caused me to be distant and sometimes dramatic, for causing concern to anyone, I apologize. But I have decided to stay distant until I feel like I’ve accomplished something or moved forward in some way at least. But this new album I’m working on may be progressing faster than expected. I’d like to make it and release it while it feels fresh to me, unlike my previous albums where I spent years writing and making the tracks. But all I can say about what I’m making now is that it should sound very different. To me it sounds like my most human writings, my most lyrical and my lightest. I’m very excited to proceed with this work.

And as I said, I’m making an acoustic EP for Tardigrade. I’m debating on adding a new song to it as well. It will have 4 tracks. That will be released soon, likely before the summer.

Goodbye

I don’t want to be a person on a screen anymore. Not the screen in my hand or in my head. I want to make this last post good, since it is the last for a while. I have absolutely nothing left right now and I have two choices to make, either I work very very hard and turn my whole life around and improve myself, or I give up completely. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet. Either way, I won’t be able to post online and so this is a goodbye of some form.

Tonight was gory but I will not give you the details, but I have been faced with choices. This has been a long time coming and it is both the fates I had avoided in many different ways for my whole life. I am paralyzed with pain and suffering tonight, just tonight for sure. I don’t know how long this will last but this is the lowest of all my lows. I lost a dream, I lost myself and I lost the thing I love more than anything tonight. But the reason I am saying this is that I have to get out of here. I’m leaving social media. I don’t know if it is permanent or for how long, that all depends on what I decide to do and if I succeed in either choice.

My music will still be online, I’m not taking that down. If I go down road 1, I will continue making music, which means I will return to Instagram (which is the whole reason I have it in the first place.) but if I go down road 2, I won’t be back ever. The music that I have made so far will still be there but there will be nothing new posted ever. I’m confused, I’m unsure but getting rid of this is something I have to do now, I cannot wait to decide later. I will not wait for my head to clear, I have to start with something and this is a huge distraction for me and something very artificial in my life that I need to remove. Right now i need to be alone completely. I hope you all understand. Thank you to everyone who supported me as an artist or a friend on here, I’ve always been grateful for you. You can always find me in my music. Goodbye.

xxxx, Pickford.

Cleanse Ideas

It’s morning but it feels like the end of the day and maybe I’m just tired of all of this

You’re the only thing I’m not tired of

And I just want to crawl back into you

But you’re so far away

and you’re filling up your stomach with concrete

And you’re singing so much louder than me now

I sing and it comes out as screams

My voice breaks and I tremble home

Now I’m air tight and dried out with no room for something else

Well maybe if I walk in the cold I will wake myself up

Or maybe if I listen to the traffic she will lower her voice and I won’t have to tolerate the aggressive words that I tried to disconnect from yesterday and yesterday’s yesterday too

See, she loves you too but she loves me more. I just can’t.

Well maybe if I clean myself out I can be something useful

A vessel that you can use to carry the best of you

Then realize you are just like me.

It might be worth it to waste myself

That’s something I’d do.

Portions For Giants (A Bad Poem I Wrote When I Was Many Kinds Of Sick)

Everything is louder

The sound, my thoughts and the touch is way stronger

I have a million reasons to be upset tonight

But the only one that I care for is you

And I keep thinking it’s not fair

That I’m on my way to a home that doesn’t have you there

To hear you on the phone, oh how I need your laugh

You’re the only thing that exists that can make any pain pass

I’m trying to not be sour or sharp or even too sweet

But I’m sick with longing and hunger and it takes the balance out of me

Portions for giants, or an acquired taste

Please just let me fix the mess I make

A Simple Word On Love

My love makes my heart flutter,
Makes me smile in the morning,
My love makes me better and better
Everyday that I live I get better and better.

It is simple and hard as it is easy and complicated and it’s a dream I had let go of but will never let go of again.

This is like gold.

 

Never ungrateful.